Date men from United States / California / Irvine, 42 year old

Date a man from United States. I’m a great guy, no doubt about it. I'm smart, funny, good-looking (if you like stupid looking guys), super fit and healthy, and do everything in a down to Earth, laid-back super-cool kind of way. Perfect and single. The guy you’ve been looking for all these years but just didn't know it.
You’re probably asking yourself how someone such as myself could still be single and why a guy like me is trolling this WalMart of matchmaking sites for a woman such as yourself.
Well, the truth is I’ve always liked women (in spite of what Mother says) and I thought it would be good if I finally traded-in my inflatable but faithful lover for the real thing.
It’s not that I haven’t tried to have relations with a woman in the past. I have. But all those years I spent in prison, the lawsuits and countless restraining orders - all of it false allegations and salatious innuendo - have really put me in a slump.
I’m really just an ordinary guy… especially when it comes to doing stuff. For example; I like to garden… I plant things but I've been told what I really do is bury stuff - mostly dead things but on occaision...
Oh! I like to take long walks on the beach, looking for lost jewelry and spare change. During the week, you're likely to find me panhandling at freeway offramps or in front of the county courthouse.
On weekends, I like hanging out with my boys down at the shelter and flirting with the meth girls at the corner Seven-Eleven. Also, I love starting fires, playing violent video games and spray painting stray cats. I like porn too.
So! Who am I looking for?
Well, I’d like to meet a real woman - sorry, no trannys (unless you're super well-hung). Preferably a woman who is really HOT and no more intelligent than a tomato. She definitely needs to be independently wealthy and willing to pay-off my debts and support my various, illicit addictions. I want a woman who is charmed by my "deep, sociopathic tendencies" (that’s what my parole officer said I had) and is prepared to endure and willing to forgive the countless infidelities and abuse which I will inevitably inflict.
Sounds good? Then send me and email or a wink. No, seriously.